


K33P1NG 1T R34L 4BOUT S4F3 S3X, an instructional video by Dave Strider and Terezi Pyrope

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-11
Updated: 2012-06-11
Packaged: 2017-11-07 12:38:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/431288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>«hey kids,» he says, «me and my buddy tz are here keep it real about...» he turns towards you, smelling faintly confused. «tz, what are we here to keep it real about?»<br/>You give him one of your brightest smiles.<br/>«W3 4R3 H3R3 TO K33P 1T R34L 4BOUT S4F3 S3X! SP3C1F1C4LLY, S4F3 S3X B3TW33N TROLLS 4ND HUM4NS!»<br/>He nods sagely, turning back in John's general direction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	K33P1NG 1T R34L 4BOUT S4F3 S3X, an instructional video by Dave Strider and Terezi Pyrope

**Author's Note:**

> for hso bonus round uno :3

They've put out two chairs for you to sit on. Ridiculous! You jump onto one of them and motion for Dave to come sit on your lap. His hair smells like oranges that haven't been washed in a while. It's adorable. You put your bag of props on the other chair. 

Apparently you're not facing the camera, so John walks around you until it's in the right place. He asks if you have the script, but you tell him you'll PL4Y 1T BY 34R, of which he approves. He yells ACTION!, and you elbow Dave gently in the ribs to remind him to start talking.

«hey kids,» he says, «me and my buddy tz are here keep it real about...» he turns towards you, smelling faintly confused. «tz, what are we here to keep it real about?»  
You give him one of your brightest smiles.  
«W3 4R3 H3R3 TO K33P 1T R34L 4BOUT S4F3 S3X! SP3C1F1C4LLY, S4F3 S3X B3TW33N TROLLS 4ND HUM4NS!»  
He nods sagely, turning back in John's general direction.

«yes thats right it has come to our attention that some of my fellow humans think that just because youre fucking an alien means you can forego all the usual safety precautions,» he says, «but that shits as wrong as my sister being responsible for the wellbeing of small children.»

«don't be mean to rose, dave!» John says, laughing. Dave scoffs.

«anyway were gonna make a series of instructional videos teaching you all about our awesome sex safety skills, heres the first one, just sit tight and pay close attention, close as-»

You interrupt him.

«FOR OUR F1RST 1NSTRUCT1ON4L V1D3O,» you say, «W3 W1LL SHOW YOU HOW TO PR4CT1C3 S4F3 S3X WH3N 4 TROLL 1S P3N3TR4T1NG 4 HUM4NS NOOK OR 4NY OTH3R OR1F1C3! D4V3, TH3 PROPS»

You hear him going through the contents of the bag until he finds what he's looking for. He sits up straight and holds it towards the camera. 

«so yeah normally in my earth human health class theyd give us a carrot to put the condom on but since todays special is about troll dicks were gonna demonstrate on this gross looking thing i found behind the sink»   
He wriggles a little.  
«terezi before we start i have to know: is this a dead baby?»   
He holds it up in front of you and you lean in and give it an investigative lick. 

«NOP3!» you say. «1 B3L13V3 1T 1S TH3 R3M41NS OF ON3 OF YOUR HUM4N FRU1T GUSH3RS!»  
«sweet,» he says, placing it in his lap while he finds the condom. 

It's hard to believe that you at one point in time didn't know what condoms were. How naive you were! Dave says that unsafe sex is COMPL3T3LY 1LL3G4L according to human law. You do not believe him entirely, but it never hurts to take precautions to be on the right side of the law. Plus, they make sex a lot less messy! It took a while of fiddling with the captcha codes to make them suit your needs, but you think it was worth it.

In front of you Dave is opening the condom wrapper carefully. This is one of the cherry-flavored ones, you notice. 

«as you may know it is of absolutely fucking paramount importance that you do not get any holes in this shit, so keep your spiky troll claws out of the way,» he says, holding up the condom. You can't really smell what he's doing with it, but you know the drill well enough to narrate his actions. 

 

«4ND TH3N, HOLD1NG TH3 CONDOM 4S MY 4SS1ST4NT D4V3 D3MONSTR4T3S, YOU S1MPLY ROLL 1T ONTO TH3 BULG3.»

«since troll dicks are like fucking sentinent tentacles you may have to use a little force but generally it should be fine,» Dave adds, holding up the condom-clad gusher. It smells delicious. 

«4ND TH4TS 1T! YOU C4N NOW H4V3 S4F3 P3N3TR4T1V3 S3X W1TH YOUR HUM4N P4RTN3R!» you say as John turns the camera off, gives you a thumbs up, and says something about letting you have some alone time now. Dave throws the gusher at him before reponsitioning himself on the chair to face you, but John uses his wind powers to send it back, hitting the back of Dave's neck. You're still laughing when he leans in to kiss you.


End file.
